I realize today that no matter how hard I try, I'm somehow still incapable of belonging to a group. Phi Psi, even though divided amongst its many cliques, has still found a way for me to be left on the outside.

This is nothing new for me. In my family I've always gotten pushed aside. Everyone was always to busy to recognize what I had done, notice when I needed help, or take two minutes of their time to help me, and many birthdays went unrecognized. When I finally moved out of the house my dad looked at me and said, "I thought you were still a Junior". I got tired of that. No one, however much introverted may be, can stand for their sense of importance to be trampled on like that.

So I left. I gave up whatever family that was, the whole support system, and left. On my own it's do or die. I don't get to fuck up and move back home. If I fuck up, I go homeless. No second chances, nowhere to get back on my feet. Just failure.

I bring this up because I recently thought of my 21st birthday. Who, of all the people I feel I'm closest too, would take the time out to celebrate. If it's anything like my 20th, none of the people that matter to me.

They were far busier with other things. When I made the facebook event, I had noticed a lot of people declined, but offer no reason. Strangely enough, this had me excited. I felt so happy that I finally meant enough to someone to remember my birthday, let alone plan some kind of surprise party. It never crossed my mind that all of the declines were people too busy to tell me they were busy for me. Instead I got people that just wanted to make drunk phone calls, play poker, and drink what little alcohol I had. I actually went to bed early that night.

So this leads me to where I am now. I'm part of a fraternity, but still feel alone and alienated. The closest group of friends I have most often forget about me unless I happen to come into sight right before they leave, and if I'm lucky something will get mentioned. I have no one close really. I have those that care for me, but at the same time look down on me, maybe why I'm never considered. I face this epic fear and consequence of failure all alone every. All the while on the outside, of every group of people that mean anything to me, looking in.