The number one.

I took this numerology thing earlier today. This is an excerpt from it. Whether or not you believe numerology to have some merit or not, I believe this fits me at least somewhat.

The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.

Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.

I'm also looking at possible therapy options again. I tried going to CAPS, I've tried working through it on my own. I just don't know what to do or how to move on. It interferes with my daily life all of the time, and I'm getting tired of dealing with it. I just don't know what else to do.

Leo Characteristics and Profile
The Lion is considered the king of the jungle, and likewise you Leos have an air of royalty about you. Some Leos even have hair resembling the thick mane of the Lion. But Lions are more than roar, for they are truly magnificent beasts. The Lioness proudly cares for the young, hunts and takes care of survival with relentless intent and ferocity, when needed. And proud are you Leo! Perhaps that´s why Leo often chooses work that puts you in the center of stage or in the spotlight of appreciation.

Element: Fire
The fire of Leo is brilliant and intense. It´s like the summer Sun that relentlessly shows up every day and whose heat continues to build over a period of time.

Fifth House: Children
The Fifth House is directly related to children, but it is also associated with any type of childlike activity.

Key Planet: Sun
As the key planet of Leo, the Sun is the symbol of the self and from it stems all individuality and creativity.

Leo Greatest Strength:
Your playful and loving nature

Leo Possible Weakness:Need for approval can become too important

Frustration

This is more than likely going to be a rant. I've had a lot of frustration and the drugs I'm on are making it very difficult for me to contain myself.

First off I'm frustrated with the drugs. They make me incapable of containing myself. This has been both good and bad. I've been more open about things I should've been talking about a long time ago. However I'm also talking about things I'd like to keep secret, things that should never see the light of day.

I'm also a nuisance while on them. Joe and Ryan have to watch me like I'm a toddler. I appreciate it, but I wish I was more capable of taking care of myself. I think I'm burning them out quickly. I've been talking to myself, I get lost just going from point A to point B. The most frustrating thing though are the daydreams. I'll be doing something like typing on the computer, drift off into a daydream of say, shuffling a deck of cards, and I'll wake up expecting a deck in my hand.

I'm also a little frustrated in my personal life. I know I have a problem of being envious of people around me. I look around, and I see all of these people in healthy relationships and capable of having a healthy relationship. I still have a while to go, but sometimes I just want one right now. I have friends everywhere, but it's still lonely.

I'm also frustrated with a dilema I kind of created. I've talked to several people about it and they are all split down the middle. The predicament is the big/lil colors. I have two big brothers, one who was assigned to me, and one who is my actual big brother. The problem is, what colors do I pass on to my little brother.

On the one side, I should pass down black and white, Vinay's colors. Vinay was the brother who assigned to me as a big. Strictly speaking he is my big and I must pass down his colors. Some people say there are reprecussions further down the road, although I can't really see what they would be. The reason I'm not close to him is because he didn't really try to connect or do anything to build that reltionship.

Being a big is more than a title yes, but it's still a title that's gotta be earned. For me, Joe has earned that title. He wasn't assigned to me and had absolutly zero obligation to try and build a big/lil relationship with me, but he did anyway. Joe has consistantly been someone I can rely on and he has invested energy and interest in me, which is something not a lot of people in my life have done. In every sense of the word, Joe is my big, I am his little.

I'm supposed to pass on my colors to my little, should I ever get one. The question isn't what colors do I pass on, but more of what colors are mine? Do I go with the colors assigned to me, or do I go with my big brother. This might not be a predicament for most like it is for me, but this relationship is something I treasure. When I pass on my colors, I want to pass something on to my little that meant something to me. I'd appreciate some input, but in the end, I'll do what I feel is the correct thing in my heart to do.

Well there we go. Things I'm frustrated about, and something to end with. I'm frustrated with my need to complain. All I do is complain and that drives people away more.

I would kill for anti-depressants. I just want to be happy, and I don't think it's to selfish to ask that.

My big brother

I joined phi psi looking for a connection, looking for family. And I'm so glad I found it. I've made a connection to a lot of the brothers, but there's one connection that's the greatest. It's a bond I cherish everyday, and one I wasn't first expecting to make. This bond is one I've never had before. It's a bond with my big brother.

He wasn't "assigned" to me in the beginning. The person he was assigned to didn't exactly work out, and my big was a little lacking. We just started to hang out a lot. As more of my problems became apparent, I at first, didn't really think he'd want anything to do with me. But he surprised me a lot.

Instead he did everything he could to help me. As I trusted him more and more, he did more to look after me, make sure I was ok. I hadn't really had that in my life before, and I'm so glad I have that now.

So, kind of as a surprise for Joe, I was going to get phi psi shirts in his colors. I let it slip a little early, but that gave me a surprise. He was going to order me some for my birthday. I was so touched. I knew Joe cared, and I look up to him like a big brother, but this drove it home that I really mean a lot to him to. If I was any higher I'd have cried. I know it may sound dumb, but things like that are really important to me.

Even after my surgery when I'm a bump on a log he does everything he can to make sure i'm ok.

I've often wondered what type of person I'd have been if I always had Joe in my life, but now, I get to look forward to the person he'll help me become. I'm so glad God gave me to Joe.

Yay morphine

I like morphine. It feels really wierd. When they first gave it to me the back of my neck burned. Kinda like it does when you play video games in walmart and you stare up to long. But everything is funny. I'm watching Family Guy and they have a weather mime. and i'm rofling. I'm also talking to Nick.

I wish i could give tours with this. That would be fun. yay.

Learn to Fly

I believe that everyone in the world has a song that they can relate to. Not just in certain situations, but their life in general. Them. Their personality, their outlook, everything.

I think the song that best describes me is "Learn to Fly", from the Foo Fighters. Almost every bit of my soul resinates with at least one of the lines in the song.

"Run and tell all of the angels this could take all night. I think I need a devil to help me get things right." - I'm often frustrated trying to learn or relearn things that come naturally to so many people. There are a lot of common experiences I haven't had.

"Hook me up a new revolution, this one is a lie. We sat around laughing and watched the last one die." - I've been stuck in a place that 30 years in the past. They want to 'preserve the history' by not really doing anything new at all. That's why I like Indianapolis. It's always changing.

"I'm lookin to the sky, lookin for a sign of life. Lookin for something to help me burn out bright." - I used to be left alone, all of the time. I'd sneak out to parties everyonce in while, but it was very hard to do. I was also very alone in my past experiences. I'd often look up to the sky, knowing the clouds have gone elsewhere, and that I'd leave someday too.

"Lookin for a complication, lookin cause I'm tired of trying," - I can never let simple things be simple. I try to oversimplify the complicated things. Coming up with complications is how I usually try to get out of things. It actually is an excuse I use when I've given up.

"I'll make my way back home when I learn to fly" - I still need to change and grow a lot as a person before I can go back home and face the people who stayed behind.

"I think I'm done nursin the patience, it can wait one night. I'd give it all away if you give me one last try." - This is more of the story of a love that got away. She kept holding us up, and I got tired of it, so I kind of went my own way. She's married now to a "champ". The thing is, she knows the minute she really needs me, or when she leaves him, that I'll be back there in a heartbeat.

"We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life." - See above. She won't leave home though, I'd have to go back.

"Run and tell the angels that everything's all right." - I'd still go and be perfectly content.

Whisper on a Scream

I woke up this morning. Early as usual. I cooked breakfast for Joe. The deal was I cook breakfast for Joe and he would go to his morning class. Well I cooked the breakfast, he just forgot to go to class.

I cooked him an omelette and made two slices of toast. He eventually ate it at 930-ish. He said the omelettes were good, so I'll believe him.

I didn't really do much today. Areef stopped by for a visit, and time flew. I rode with Josh to my class, where I pretty much got a pat on the head for my paper, which was cake to write in the first place.

Got back home, hung out with a few of the brothers that I hadn't seen in a while. Then I started my speech. This one will also be cake to write, but I just have to sit down and do it.

My hematoma has gotten to be huge, deep red, itchy, stings to the touch, and now has little zits forming on it. Very painful, very frustrating. I called my parents and they seemed to have forgotten that I needed to go to the emergency room in the first place. Oh well, I guess it's a good thing I don't rely on them much.

Maybe one day, when I'm ok with this, I'll share it with the world. But for now I need to keep this.

Baseballs are fun when they're outside of your skin.

Aside from the two and half hour bus excersion (going only one way I should add), today wasn't terribly bad. I rode with Nick to school after missing the bus. Parents still haven't paid the phone bill, so that's not working. They also have the information for the doctor I was referred to, so I can't do that either. I'm so glad I don't actually rely on them for something important.

Nick is taking me to the pharmacy tomorrow. I've given myself the shot a couple of times already, so I think I can do it. It just takes a lot of talking to yourself before you can stab a needle into your skin.

I'm hoping to get the phipsi website stuff done by the end of the week. T-shirts are the next priority, as well as a new goal, handouts. If I can get this stuff ready to roll before rush, that would be awesome. I'm looking forward to having a comittee, whenever I actually get one.

"Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great."

Realizations

I went to a friends 21st birthday party last night. It was a normal party, everyone was having fun, I wasn't drinking too much. Played a couple of games of beer pong, tried to meet new people (which never turns out good) and just tried to have a good time.

Then a large group of people that I didn't know came in the door. So I guzzled down three more mixed drinks, making me more than just slightly intoxicated. To be honest I've been needing that level of intoxication for a while, and that provided a great excuse.

I felt kind of bad being that drunk, but there was no way I could handle that many people. I feel a lot better about myself and more open when I get to that point, which is the type of person I need me to be.

I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not really needed. I can't remember the last conversation someone else had started with me and them not needing anything in particular. I know I'm needed to get things done, but I'm not really needed at all for anyone personally. I know I can be difficult to talk to, but it'd still be nice.

>_> hmmm...

Today was ok. I didn't really feel like doing much at all. I had lunch with Katiana today, which is always interesting. She came to me to talk about things that have happened to her in the past. She doesn't know all of the things I've put up with. So I sat there and listened and supported her. I'm surprised as to how well I kept myself together.

Afterwards she spent time telling me about butts. She liked Ryan's butt, thought Spencer's was ok (but she couldn't tell through the shorts) and told me I had a pretty good one too. I don't remember one being there but I'll take the compliment (I think).

The rest of the day was so-so. Didn't really do much of anything at all. Sorry this isn't terribly exciting. Oh and vote in the poll.

It makes no difference

Today was a normal day for me. My lack of interest in anything caused me to procrastinate a speech, and the stress kept me busy for the first half of the day. After speech I went to the last part of the IFC meeting expecting a fight, but everyone was peaceful. Oh well.

I came home and really did nothing (which is always a bad thing.) Like usual it led thinking, which led to remembering, which makes me depressed. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

An ok day

Today was ok. I woke up late, but I really didn't want to go to work either. I managed to get my news story written as well as my speech. I walked to McDonalds and bought sunglass too. But that just killed my hematoma. I'm pretty sure it's starting to get into my leg too, it's been sore for the past couple of days.

I'm finding it hard to still move on from my past. It defines me. Everything I am is because of what happened to me. I still don't get why it was necessary for it to happen to me, or what good will come of it. It's ruined any shot of a relationship with women that I may have. No matter how much I may like them, something in the back of my head holds me back. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.

When I do the relationship fizzles in an awkward phase of handholding and flirting. When I don't listen, they can always tell a part of me is apprehensive, and then they don't trust me.

Any meaningful relationship I've had has followed one of these patterns. I just want to let go and be normal, and be with someone.

Slip 'n Slide

Today was physically demanding. I woke up after three hours of sleep and got ready to go to work. I worried all day about a speech that was due that I hadn't done yet. Work killed my leg. It's screaming in pain and i can't really do anything about it. The hematoma is also healing, but it's starting to move. This has caused my right thigh to be very sensative and somewhat inflammed.

I can't chase buses until this is healed. I always get to the stop in time to see mine pull off. In the middle of the day, that means that i wait there for the next 45 minutes. It took me two hours to get home today.

I have a news story due tomorrow, and I've been dicking around for the past few days. Now I'm in a rush to get it done. I need to get my priorities back in line. I'm already losing interest in school again and it's only summer two.

Good news though: This is the second day I've gone without the weepies (don't know what else to call them). Although, I'm not entire sure if it's just because I'm really tired right now. UPDATE: Turned out to be a lie. sorry.

The weekend in review

This weekend... well it sucked. I was told that dad was supposed to pick me up for our fourth of july thing at about noon that day. No one came to get me until 10. My phone was dead, and I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone at all to see when they would come. So I waited. All day.

On Saturday, I had to do most of the heavy lifting, regardless of the fact I have a giant hematoma sticking out the side of my leg, which means I shouldn't be doing heavy lifting. So after all that, it rains, and we don't get to see most of the fireworks.

Sunday rolls around and after much convincing, we go to the verizon store to see what's wrong with my phone. After the hour long drive down there, they tell me that they can't do anything, because mom and dad still haven't paid the bill. So now I'm still without the ability to call out or send/recieve text messages of any kind. I can only imagine what would happen if I miss the last bus or needed help.

7/2/09 (-)

I missed the bus twice today. I had to walk a million miles with this hematoma bothering me everytime my right foot stepped down. I've always had a limp, but this thing makes it worse. A friend told me he would drive me home after class, because he was their studying for his MCAT anyway. Like the last million and a half times, that fell through.

I also had a horrible tour. My phone is also dead because the charger cable won't work anymore. I'm done trying for the week.