Frustration

This is more than likely going to be a rant. I've had a lot of frustration and the drugs I'm on are making it very difficult for me to contain myself.

First off I'm frustrated with the drugs. They make me incapable of containing myself. This has been both good and bad. I've been more open about things I should've been talking about a long time ago. However I'm also talking about things I'd like to keep secret, things that should never see the light of day.

I'm also a nuisance while on them. Joe and Ryan have to watch me like I'm a toddler. I appreciate it, but I wish I was more capable of taking care of myself. I think I'm burning them out quickly. I've been talking to myself, I get lost just going from point A to point B. The most frustrating thing though are the daydreams. I'll be doing something like typing on the computer, drift off into a daydream of say, shuffling a deck of cards, and I'll wake up expecting a deck in my hand.

I'm also a little frustrated in my personal life. I know I have a problem of being envious of people around me. I look around, and I see all of these people in healthy relationships and capable of having a healthy relationship. I still have a while to go, but sometimes I just want one right now. I have friends everywhere, but it's still lonely.

I'm also frustrated with a dilema I kind of created. I've talked to several people about it and they are all split down the middle. The predicament is the big/lil colors. I have two big brothers, one who was assigned to me, and one who is my actual big brother. The problem is, what colors do I pass on to my little brother.

On the one side, I should pass down black and white, Vinay's colors. Vinay was the brother who assigned to me as a big. Strictly speaking he is my big and I must pass down his colors. Some people say there are reprecussions further down the road, although I can't really see what they would be. The reason I'm not close to him is because he didn't really try to connect or do anything to build that reltionship.

Being a big is more than a title yes, but it's still a title that's gotta be earned. For me, Joe has earned that title. He wasn't assigned to me and had absolutly zero obligation to try and build a big/lil relationship with me, but he did anyway. Joe has consistantly been someone I can rely on and he has invested energy and interest in me, which is something not a lot of people in my life have done. In every sense of the word, Joe is my big, I am his little.

I'm supposed to pass on my colors to my little, should I ever get one. The question isn't what colors do I pass on, but more of what colors are mine? Do I go with the colors assigned to me, or do I go with my big brother. This might not be a predicament for most like it is for me, but this relationship is something I treasure. When I pass on my colors, I want to pass something on to my little that meant something to me. I'd appreciate some input, but in the end, I'll do what I feel is the correct thing in my heart to do.

Well there we go. Things I'm frustrated about, and something to end with. I'm frustrated with my need to complain. All I do is complain and that drives people away more.

I would kill for anti-depressants. I just want to be happy, and I don't think it's to selfish to ask that.