6/29/09 (+)

What good happened today: Didn't have to pay for textbook. Got out of working on wednesday, due to the hematoma, went to speech, that class will be a blast. Ate supper with Joe. We went to some local burger place. Wild west burger was pretty good.

6/29/09 (-)

Well I thought I had a hernia, but the doctors think it's just a hematoma. So I'm carrying this giant bump in my groin that hurts like hell... fun. I was going to buy a speech book today but i forgot my checkbook at home. Good thing though, because Ryan had his book still.

I was bored on the bus and found a newspaper. I was reading the "Let it Out" section and glanced over at the horoscopes and figured why not. It was mostly the same bland stuff but the end got me thinking. "Relationships have seemed one sided lately. Do your part to even it out."

I got to thinking and it's entirely right. I've been taking a lot lately without giving. I hope to be able to change that soon.

All in all not too bad of a day.

6/27/09 (+)

What good happened today: I didn't miss the bus. I had a good tour. I got lunch with Joe (i know it sounds gay, but...) and I went to Ron's going away party. All though I would like to get drunk, they only had beer, so maybe next time.

Person I look up to: Tyler Schniedt. People make fun of him all of the time for having ideas and not acting on them. Half of the problem though, is that people often make enough fun of him and discourage him from asking help when he needs it. However, this doesn't stop Tyler from pitching ideas that he believes can help move phi psi forward. I need his courage.

6/27/09 (-)

I'm pretty sure I have an obturator hernia. I've felt a bump there the past several days. I had to run after the bus this morning and really aggrivated it. All in all today wasn't too bad, except joe got drunk (sexton did too), but joe became an ass after a while. After trying to get him to leave (and being unsuccessful) I left with Estrada. He's still there and he plans on going out again.

6/26/09 (+)

What good happened today: Not much happened really. I checked my grades for the first summer session and got a B+ and a C+. Not what I was aiming for, but I'll take it.

Person I look up to: Joe (again). I came to phi psi looking for characteristics I could look up to. I was excited to learn how the big/lil brother thing worked. The person I was paired up with wasn't the greatest in the world. He had pressured me into taking up drinking again, and usually talked me out of going to class. Joe stepped in and kind of took over that roll. I know I put a lot on him at times and I'm probably annoying, but Joe puts up with me anyway. I don't know the word for this characteristic, but if I'm going to help people escape the hell hole that is home, I'm going to need it.

6/26/09 (-)

Today I lacked interest in almost everything. I wanted to go out and eat lunch or do SOMETHING different with people but they just didn't seem to want to do anything. I haven't really gone out to do anything just for the sake of it being fun in a while. I think it may help cheer me up. I didn't get to go to lunch with the person I had made plans with either. Parents forgot me again. Big surprise. I wouldn't go home if I didn't have to.

6/25/09 (+)

What good happened today: Attended a networking event. Although this is in my negative comments too, I did get an e-mail from someone very interested in my degrees (Biology and Public Relations) so hopefully something can come of that. Ate at B-dubs with good friends and some awkward guy I didn't know. He thought threesomes with two guys was a good idea..>_>.

Person I look up to: Spencer Romstadt. Spencer seems to create more hours in a day. He's pre-med, does research, works at menard's, is the phi psi treasurer, attended a national event, and just keeps on going. I need his drive.

6/25/09 (-)

I didn't do much today. I woke up at about 6 a.m. and stayed in bed until about 1:30. I just didn't really feel like doing anything. I attempted to socialize at a networking event and really didn't do that too well... Maybe next time.

6/24/09 (+)

What good happened today: Summer I is over with. I get a four day break from both school and work. I can finally get some work done on PR stuff.

Person I look up to: It's a lot of people. Most people that I've surrounded myself with have a lot of strength. They see an obstacle and do whatever they need to to get around it or break it. Right now I'm staring down a pretty big roadblock and could use some of their strength.

Goal for the summer: Go workout and stop being fat. Fear is only an excuse.

6/24/09 (-)

There is something fundamentally wrong with me. Today was so hard, and it shouldn't have been. It took everything I had not to have a total meltdown, and I'm still on the virge of one right now. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It just comes.

6/23/09 (+)

What good happened today: I didn't have to ride the bus today. I went to my last psychology class. I gave a tour that had zero problems, and I'm pretty sure everyone of the kids plan on attending IUPUI. I'm almost done with my journalism final. I got to eat today. I'm going to see transformers 2 tonight, I can't wait.

Person I look up to: Nick Estrada. He seems strange to me sometimes, but the guy constantly has a full plate. He's already been a leader on campus and now he's being a leader in phi psi nationally. Through it all he manages to get pretty good grades and maintain great relationships. I want his energy.

Goal for next week: Start classes strong. You're not out of the water yet.

6/23/09 (-)

I've tried to keep my head up today. I've had disturbing dreams the past two nights and I just can't seem to get them out of my head. Yesterday I watched cars driving by. My heart was racing the whole time. I was playing the images of myself jumping out in front of them, over and over again. It really disturbed me.

I was also drunk a few nights ago, talking to Joe on AIM. Like usual I got really sappy, and I think I may have said some things out of line. Joe's been one of the people there through everything that I've just dumped on him and the last thing I want is to alienate him.

6/22/09 (+)

What good happened today: I got my paper on a good start. I ate lunch with Joe. I managed to get to class on time even though I missed the bus (it was a hell of a run). I have my last psychology class tomorrow.

Person I look up to: Alex Philip. Alex can be a little bit immature at times, but it's almost always welcome. He knows how to look at the better side of things and is quick to dismiss any negativity that may arise. I want his optimism.

Goal for the day: Communicate better.

6/22/2009 (-)

I know sometimes when I'm talking to people close to me, I don't make sense. I just get so excited to talk to those people that I want to tell them everything at once. It often leads to confusion and me backtracking, but I can't help it.

I've tackled with the thought that I may be suffering from depression lately. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know much about psychiatry, but I can't think of anything else that it could be. I've tried traditional therapy. It worked in the short term, but they tried to convince me that I was perfectly ok the way I am.

Their reasoning was that given the circumstance, I'm normal. I realize that not everyone could have come out of that situation the way I did, but I don't want to be normal in a set of circumstances. I want to be normal period, and I'm not there yet.

It's hard going around, trying to live a normal life when you are constantly terrified about how every person you see can hurt you. Even the ones close to you that you know won't. It's killed my ability to have relationships and is often why I stay alone.

I'm tired of being physically weak. I want to be able to have the strength I had before all of this happened. I'm scared of people in general, but I'm more afraid of the gym. It's an actual measurement of how much I've lost. On top of that, I have no idea what I'm doing, or how to use the equipment, so thats even more incentive for me not to go.

I'm also afraid of losing my support system. I know I rely on those people around me a lot, without really giving much in return. I know someday they'll have to walk at least part of the same path I did. I won't let them go alone, but I'd like to feel useful elsewhere in their lives.

6/21/09 (+)

What good happened today: Joe came back. I'm surprised at how much I missed him being around. Alex is having game night on the other side of the house. I finished blog three and only have to write my feature story for class. I also got to talk to Ronnie more.

Person I look up to: Joseph Listerman. Joe can walk into a room and all eyes will be on him. Not because he's loud, but because he has an intense amount of self-confidence. He's very comfortable with who he is. I'd like to say the same some day.

6/21/09 (-)

Today is father's day, and I haven't called mine yet. I feel guilty, but it's tough. It's not that he hated me, he just didn't seem to have ever liked me. He's not a horrible person, but he'd rather spend time with the kids he had connected with. I just wasn't one of them. He was often ignorant of what went on in the house. He didn't know what was going on, but then again he didn't want to.

6/20/09 (+)

What good happened today: Made breakfast, started my J100 blog, watched gladiator, talked to Ronnie. I got to sleep in today.

Person I look up to: Ronnie Roberts. Ronnie cares deeply about the needs of others. He rarely judges and is always there when needed. I want his reliability.

6/19/09 (+)

What good happened today: Dillon saved me from doing a second tour today. Brady came over and I beat him at several games. I also didn't have to wait long for buses. I coordinated the group tour today and registered for J-200

Person I can look up to: Ryan Sexton. He's overcome his problems. He sees what he wants and knows that he deserves it. I want his self-worth.

Goal: Do homework tomorrow.

6/18/09 (+)

What good happened today: Gave tour, clocked in/out the right way, worked on the phi psi presentation

Goal: Be the support that you always wanted to have.