I realize today that no matter how hard I try, I'm somehow still incapable of belonging to a group. Phi Psi, even though divided amongst its many cliques, has still found a way for me to be left on the outside.

This is nothing new for me. In my family I've always gotten pushed aside. Everyone was always to busy to recognize what I had done, notice when I needed help, or take two minutes of their time to help me, and many birthdays went unrecognized. When I finally moved out of the house my dad looked at me and said, "I thought you were still a Junior". I got tired of that. No one, however much introverted may be, can stand for their sense of importance to be trampled on like that.

So I left. I gave up whatever family that was, the whole support system, and left. On my own it's do or die. I don't get to fuck up and move back home. If I fuck up, I go homeless. No second chances, nowhere to get back on my feet. Just failure.

I bring this up because I recently thought of my 21st birthday. Who, of all the people I feel I'm closest too, would take the time out to celebrate. If it's anything like my 20th, none of the people that matter to me.

They were far busier with other things. When I made the facebook event, I had noticed a lot of people declined, but offer no reason. Strangely enough, this had me excited. I felt so happy that I finally meant enough to someone to remember my birthday, let alone plan some kind of surprise party. It never crossed my mind that all of the declines were people too busy to tell me they were busy for me. Instead I got people that just wanted to make drunk phone calls, play poker, and drink what little alcohol I had. I actually went to bed early that night.

So this leads me to where I am now. I'm part of a fraternity, but still feel alone and alienated. The closest group of friends I have most often forget about me unless I happen to come into sight right before they leave, and if I'm lucky something will get mentioned. I have no one close really. I have those that care for me, but at the same time look down on me, maybe why I'm never considered. I face this epic fear and consequence of failure all alone every. All the while on the outside, of every group of people that mean anything to me, looking in.

Best friends for ten...... hours.

Some friends stick around forever, some don't. Then there are the friends that stick around seemingly forever. I'm going to tell you about my friend for ten hours.

Hobbs is an amazing person. A conqueror of many women. Slayer of wookies. He once saved a baby from a burning building by jumping out of the window five stories high.

He left his post as interim fire-chief to become a world renowned cancer researcher. After developing the HPV vaccine, he turned his attention towards dentistry and refining the way British people care for their teeth.

Through all of his noble deeds, Hobbs still sought out a life of simplicity (well simple for him). His job being done at the cancer research pavilion and the dentistry school in Indianapolis, Hobbs has now turned his attention to optometry school in Bloomington.

After mastering optometry and curing blindness worldwide, he will be studying with Lord Zordon to become a Power Ranger, and save the world from countless evils.

After retiring from being a Power Ranger, Hobbs will take the Pokemon League Challenge. Afterward, he hopes to live out the rest of his life peacefully on his Pokemon Ranch on Mars.

Although a great person, he has also found time to give to me. Albeit short, it was much fun. From approximately 12:23 A.M on August 18, until 10:30 A.M that same day, we were best friends. He told me funny stories about friends' penises, and them acting completely different from how they normally do. But to save the world, one must make sacrifices and I understand.

So it is with this tribute that I send off our great Hero, Will Hobbs, the secretary, leading cancer researcher, astronaut, and crash test dummy. Good luck, and Godspeed.

A side note: Hobbs is the only person to ever beat Chuck Norris in hand to hand combat.

One-tenth of the way there. 5 more weeks.

I've recently started a project of sorts, something to help me figure things out. It's based in Christianity, and although most people don't think of me when they first think of that word, it's something I'm giving a shot.

That and I've been wanting to be closer to faith than I have been. For some reason, my pride wouldn't let me. It seems like a dumb thought right now.

The book takes place over 40 days, which is symbolic to Christianity. Several transformations in the Bible took place over 40 days and the book aims to use this as a guide to a personal transformation. I've only completed the first four days, but I can already tell this is at least going to make some impact.

At the end, it ask a question to ponder. Here's what I've learned:

God has a purpose for my life. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but eventually it will become apparent. I need to remind myself that life is about living for God, not for me. I came to two conclusions, one more of a mental process with the other more of an application.

At first I couldn't figure out any. And then the simplest thing came to mind. God has chosen my purpose; it's not for me to decide. Also, I need to stop doing things based on whims and doing things to help further that purpose or discover it.

I am not an accident. Neither my birth nor my life so far has been entirely in vain, although I struggle to accept a large chunk of myself.

Mostly I struggle to accept the past. I have a hard time comprehending that everything that happened had some good purpose behind it. I know it has positives in the back of my head, but the overall fact that I still don't want to even acknowledge the past is holding the positives back. I also struggle to accept the fact that I'm "smaller" than I'm supposed to be. It may seem strange, but I stopped growing at the age of 16, when illness struck. If you look at the rest of my family, you'll see that I'm supposed to be bigger.

I'm also struggling to accept that I need more of a presence of God in my life. Like I said before, it's a pride thing that kept me from admitting that in the past, but I also need hope. Something to keep me going.

I realized my life lacked a sense of purpose. I would run around like a chicken with it's head cut-off and like many people could tell, I still felt like I had done nothing. Although I knew it in the back of my head, I discovered that my life so far has been driven by guilt. Guilt of what I had done and guilt of what was done to me. Still other people see different. They think the force that drives me is one of seeking something better, not necessarily materialistic, and attaining it. I'd like to believe a driving force in my life the aid and protection of others in their own quest to better themselves.

Finally I realized that I need to stop thinking of the here and now and think more about the part of life after death. I need to stop worrying about how I feel I've been wronged in the past and I need to start working towards building more meaningful relationships with people.

Report Card

This is a report card to let me know how i've been doing so far, in terms of life, brotherhood, or anything else you can think of. This actually seems a little fun, but some serious replies are also needed. So just copy and paste it, and you can do as many as you'd like as well.

Report Card: Garret D Walton

In the subject of (put subject or ideal here)

Grade Recieved: (A through F)

Comments:

Unorthodox beginnings, but if you know me, you know to expect it.

College was a unique experience for anyone in my family. Being a first generation student, I had no idea what the hell to expect.

Since I was getting the first generation scholarship, I was required by the university to attend the summer academy bridge program. It was meant to provide students like me with the basic know-how of how college works, and to also give us a community to fall back on.

The sentiment was nice; however the only thing that really unified most of us was the shared hate of the whole ordeal, lending all of us to go our own ways. So my first week of school, I sat by myself in class.

Being alone was nothing new to me. I had come to expect that I’d go through a long time in life by myself. A lot of family issues and conflict of interest forced me to move out at 17. As much as I’d like to pretend I was, I wasn’t ready for it.

When I thought of the word “fraternity” I thought of a bunch of crazy ass kids drinking until they couldn’t stand up. I found something very different my first Thursday night of college, where I was also grasping the concept of students actually teaching.

Well as Ronnie would put it, guiding and explaining.

Ronnie Roberts III was my PLTL leader. I can’t help myself from forming first impressions, although Ronnie’s wasn’t bad. Obviously he was at least intelligent, and he looked average. Not a douche bag, but not like he had just woken up. Although I did notice Greek letters on his shirt (whether or not this was the first time I met him, I don’t know. I constantly re-evaluate people.)

I was quiet and kept to myself a lot, which didn’t work well with Ronnie, because everyone in the class had to work in groups. I don’t know if it was a chore or not, but Ronnie would always have to hassle me about being in a group.

Ronnie’s first impression of me is something I found pretty funny. He knew I didn’t like working in groups, but he also thought I was 21. I’m not entirely sure of the rest of it, but I have a feeling it’s a bit different than how he thinks of me now.

Ronnie had tried to recruit me to phi psi for a while after that. I was hesitant for a whole year. I was afraid of what my other friends at IUPUI would think of me, as well as the ramifications if my parent’s found out. I kept phi psi in my mind, wanting to know more, but not willing to seek out those answers.

The events of summer had left me needing a support group. I’d been battered and beat down before, but not like that. I needed something new. That’s when I remembered phi psi, and the fondness that Ronnie would often speak about it.

The start of the next year, I went looking for Ronnie. I still had his e-mail address, but I didn’t want to give myself a chance to chicken out. I had finally found him at one of the information fairs for weeks of welcome. He explained rush to me and gave me a business card with the schedule.

Just reading it would make me nervous. I kept questioning whether or not the brothers would like me, whether or not it was all just a joke because I’d be a good person to laugh at, but I had to set those fears aside.

When the time came for rush, I realized I only was able to attend one of the events, sloppy joes at ball hall. I pulled into the parking lot and took a deep breath.

‘You can still turn around and leave,’ I thought to myself.

I forced myself to get out. I walked into the front doors of ball and quickly scanned the room. I didn’t recognize anyone there. I stood around, awkwardly, and waited for Ronnie to show up. As most know, I’m incapable of introducing myself to new people. I tried to keep myself occupied until Ronnie got there. After eating some and looking around a bit more, I was ready to go.

As I headed out the door, it seemed like the grace of God had Ronnie walking in. After asking where I was going and why, he turned me around and took me to be introduced to the brothers there.

Even though that was the only rush event I had gone to, I somehow managed to get a bid. When I met with Ronnie and Tyler who gave me the bid I accepted it right away. After pledging and going from extremely introverted to introverted, I found I had a place in Phi Psi, although I’m still working out exactly what that is.

I thank God everyday (which is something I don’t do for a lot of things) that he brought Phi Psi into my life. To be honest, I don’t know where I’d be without it, although that may be the topic of the next blog.

Rules

This is not a blog that was meant to be made public. This is something I wanted to keep secret. I wrote it on the internet so that if I ever felt the need to publish it, or needed to explain things to people, they could access it.

The entries in this blog are my personal thoughts. This is an exercise meant to help me think more positively. This is not something meant to be out in the open to the public. The judgement I received from some people regarding the blog wasn't meant to be harsh. However, it felt like an attack on my basic beliefs, which was detrimental to the purpose for which the blog was originally written.

This does not represent my outward reactions to situations or people. You may call me two-faced, but everyone is guilty of doing this.

I know that some of what I believe may be different than you, but please, criticize my actions, not my moral ladder, or the order in the ideas of which I hold things important.

If you feel like I'm going about solving my problem wrong, please feel free to comment. If you have any suggestions or recommendations about how I should handle the problem, please leave them as well.

I just want you to know that the things I write here are very personal and private. Keep that in mind before criticizing what is written here. I'm also going to move this more towards increasing my self esteem and understanding my place exactly.

The number one.

I took this numerology thing earlier today. This is an excerpt from it. Whether or not you believe numerology to have some merit or not, I believe this fits me at least somewhat.

The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.

Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.

I'm also looking at possible therapy options again. I tried going to CAPS, I've tried working through it on my own. I just don't know what to do or how to move on. It interferes with my daily life all of the time, and I'm getting tired of dealing with it. I just don't know what else to do.

Leo Characteristics and Profile
The Lion is considered the king of the jungle, and likewise you Leos have an air of royalty about you. Some Leos even have hair resembling the thick mane of the Lion. But Lions are more than roar, for they are truly magnificent beasts. The Lioness proudly cares for the young, hunts and takes care of survival with relentless intent and ferocity, when needed. And proud are you Leo! Perhaps that´s why Leo often chooses work that puts you in the center of stage or in the spotlight of appreciation.

Element: Fire
The fire of Leo is brilliant and intense. It´s like the summer Sun that relentlessly shows up every day and whose heat continues to build over a period of time.

Fifth House: Children
The Fifth House is directly related to children, but it is also associated with any type of childlike activity.

Key Planet: Sun
As the key planet of Leo, the Sun is the symbol of the self and from it stems all individuality and creativity.

Leo Greatest Strength:
Your playful and loving nature

Leo Possible Weakness:Need for approval can become too important

Frustration

This is more than likely going to be a rant. I've had a lot of frustration and the drugs I'm on are making it very difficult for me to contain myself.

First off I'm frustrated with the drugs. They make me incapable of containing myself. This has been both good and bad. I've been more open about things I should've been talking about a long time ago. However I'm also talking about things I'd like to keep secret, things that should never see the light of day.

I'm also a nuisance while on them. Joe and Ryan have to watch me like I'm a toddler. I appreciate it, but I wish I was more capable of taking care of myself. I think I'm burning them out quickly. I've been talking to myself, I get lost just going from point A to point B. The most frustrating thing though are the daydreams. I'll be doing something like typing on the computer, drift off into a daydream of say, shuffling a deck of cards, and I'll wake up expecting a deck in my hand.

I'm also a little frustrated in my personal life. I know I have a problem of being envious of people around me. I look around, and I see all of these people in healthy relationships and capable of having a healthy relationship. I still have a while to go, but sometimes I just want one right now. I have friends everywhere, but it's still lonely.

I'm also frustrated with a dilema I kind of created. I've talked to several people about it and they are all split down the middle. The predicament is the big/lil colors. I have two big brothers, one who was assigned to me, and one who is my actual big brother. The problem is, what colors do I pass on to my little brother.

On the one side, I should pass down black and white, Vinay's colors. Vinay was the brother who assigned to me as a big. Strictly speaking he is my big and I must pass down his colors. Some people say there are reprecussions further down the road, although I can't really see what they would be. The reason I'm not close to him is because he didn't really try to connect or do anything to build that reltionship.

Being a big is more than a title yes, but it's still a title that's gotta be earned. For me, Joe has earned that title. He wasn't assigned to me and had absolutly zero obligation to try and build a big/lil relationship with me, but he did anyway. Joe has consistantly been someone I can rely on and he has invested energy and interest in me, which is something not a lot of people in my life have done. In every sense of the word, Joe is my big, I am his little.

I'm supposed to pass on my colors to my little, should I ever get one. The question isn't what colors do I pass on, but more of what colors are mine? Do I go with the colors assigned to me, or do I go with my big brother. This might not be a predicament for most like it is for me, but this relationship is something I treasure. When I pass on my colors, I want to pass something on to my little that meant something to me. I'd appreciate some input, but in the end, I'll do what I feel is the correct thing in my heart to do.

Well there we go. Things I'm frustrated about, and something to end with. I'm frustrated with my need to complain. All I do is complain and that drives people away more.

I would kill for anti-depressants. I just want to be happy, and I don't think it's to selfish to ask that.

My big brother

I joined phi psi looking for a connection, looking for family. And I'm so glad I found it. I've made a connection to a lot of the brothers, but there's one connection that's the greatest. It's a bond I cherish everyday, and one I wasn't first expecting to make. This bond is one I've never had before. It's a bond with my big brother.

He wasn't "assigned" to me in the beginning. The person he was assigned to didn't exactly work out, and my big was a little lacking. We just started to hang out a lot. As more of my problems became apparent, I at first, didn't really think he'd want anything to do with me. But he surprised me a lot.

Instead he did everything he could to help me. As I trusted him more and more, he did more to look after me, make sure I was ok. I hadn't really had that in my life before, and I'm so glad I have that now.

So, kind of as a surprise for Joe, I was going to get phi psi shirts in his colors. I let it slip a little early, but that gave me a surprise. He was going to order me some for my birthday. I was so touched. I knew Joe cared, and I look up to him like a big brother, but this drove it home that I really mean a lot to him to. If I was any higher I'd have cried. I know it may sound dumb, but things like that are really important to me.

Even after my surgery when I'm a bump on a log he does everything he can to make sure i'm ok.

I've often wondered what type of person I'd have been if I always had Joe in my life, but now, I get to look forward to the person he'll help me become. I'm so glad God gave me to Joe.

Yay morphine

I like morphine. It feels really wierd. When they first gave it to me the back of my neck burned. Kinda like it does when you play video games in walmart and you stare up to long. But everything is funny. I'm watching Family Guy and they have a weather mime. and i'm rofling. I'm also talking to Nick.

I wish i could give tours with this. That would be fun. yay.

Learn to Fly

I believe that everyone in the world has a song that they can relate to. Not just in certain situations, but their life in general. Them. Their personality, their outlook, everything.

I think the song that best describes me is "Learn to Fly", from the Foo Fighters. Almost every bit of my soul resinates with at least one of the lines in the song.

"Run and tell all of the angels this could take all night. I think I need a devil to help me get things right." - I'm often frustrated trying to learn or relearn things that come naturally to so many people. There are a lot of common experiences I haven't had.

"Hook me up a new revolution, this one is a lie. We sat around laughing and watched the last one die." - I've been stuck in a place that 30 years in the past. They want to 'preserve the history' by not really doing anything new at all. That's why I like Indianapolis. It's always changing.

"I'm lookin to the sky, lookin for a sign of life. Lookin for something to help me burn out bright." - I used to be left alone, all of the time. I'd sneak out to parties everyonce in while, but it was very hard to do. I was also very alone in my past experiences. I'd often look up to the sky, knowing the clouds have gone elsewhere, and that I'd leave someday too.

"Lookin for a complication, lookin cause I'm tired of trying," - I can never let simple things be simple. I try to oversimplify the complicated things. Coming up with complications is how I usually try to get out of things. It actually is an excuse I use when I've given up.

"I'll make my way back home when I learn to fly" - I still need to change and grow a lot as a person before I can go back home and face the people who stayed behind.

"I think I'm done nursin the patience, it can wait one night. I'd give it all away if you give me one last try." - This is more of the story of a love that got away. She kept holding us up, and I got tired of it, so I kind of went my own way. She's married now to a "champ". The thing is, she knows the minute she really needs me, or when she leaves him, that I'll be back there in a heartbeat.

"We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life." - See above. She won't leave home though, I'd have to go back.

"Run and tell the angels that everything's all right." - I'd still go and be perfectly content.

Whisper on a Scream

I woke up this morning. Early as usual. I cooked breakfast for Joe. The deal was I cook breakfast for Joe and he would go to his morning class. Well I cooked the breakfast, he just forgot to go to class.

I cooked him an omelette and made two slices of toast. He eventually ate it at 930-ish. He said the omelettes were good, so I'll believe him.

I didn't really do much today. Areef stopped by for a visit, and time flew. I rode with Josh to my class, where I pretty much got a pat on the head for my paper, which was cake to write in the first place.

Got back home, hung out with a few of the brothers that I hadn't seen in a while. Then I started my speech. This one will also be cake to write, but I just have to sit down and do it.

My hematoma has gotten to be huge, deep red, itchy, stings to the touch, and now has little zits forming on it. Very painful, very frustrating. I called my parents and they seemed to have forgotten that I needed to go to the emergency room in the first place. Oh well, I guess it's a good thing I don't rely on them much.

Maybe one day, when I'm ok with this, I'll share it with the world. But for now I need to keep this.

Baseballs are fun when they're outside of your skin.

Aside from the two and half hour bus excersion (going only one way I should add), today wasn't terribly bad. I rode with Nick to school after missing the bus. Parents still haven't paid the phone bill, so that's not working. They also have the information for the doctor I was referred to, so I can't do that either. I'm so glad I don't actually rely on them for something important.

Nick is taking me to the pharmacy tomorrow. I've given myself the shot a couple of times already, so I think I can do it. It just takes a lot of talking to yourself before you can stab a needle into your skin.

I'm hoping to get the phipsi website stuff done by the end of the week. T-shirts are the next priority, as well as a new goal, handouts. If I can get this stuff ready to roll before rush, that would be awesome. I'm looking forward to having a comittee, whenever I actually get one.

"Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great."

Realizations

I went to a friends 21st birthday party last night. It was a normal party, everyone was having fun, I wasn't drinking too much. Played a couple of games of beer pong, tried to meet new people (which never turns out good) and just tried to have a good time.

Then a large group of people that I didn't know came in the door. So I guzzled down three more mixed drinks, making me more than just slightly intoxicated. To be honest I've been needing that level of intoxication for a while, and that provided a great excuse.

I felt kind of bad being that drunk, but there was no way I could handle that many people. I feel a lot better about myself and more open when I get to that point, which is the type of person I need me to be.

I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not really needed. I can't remember the last conversation someone else had started with me and them not needing anything in particular. I know I'm needed to get things done, but I'm not really needed at all for anyone personally. I know I can be difficult to talk to, but it'd still be nice.

>_> hmmm...

Today was ok. I didn't really feel like doing much at all. I had lunch with Katiana today, which is always interesting. She came to me to talk about things that have happened to her in the past. She doesn't know all of the things I've put up with. So I sat there and listened and supported her. I'm surprised as to how well I kept myself together.

Afterwards she spent time telling me about butts. She liked Ryan's butt, thought Spencer's was ok (but she couldn't tell through the shorts) and told me I had a pretty good one too. I don't remember one being there but I'll take the compliment (I think).

The rest of the day was so-so. Didn't really do much of anything at all. Sorry this isn't terribly exciting. Oh and vote in the poll.

It makes no difference

Today was a normal day for me. My lack of interest in anything caused me to procrastinate a speech, and the stress kept me busy for the first half of the day. After speech I went to the last part of the IFC meeting expecting a fight, but everyone was peaceful. Oh well.

I came home and really did nothing (which is always a bad thing.) Like usual it led thinking, which led to remembering, which makes me depressed. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

An ok day

Today was ok. I woke up late, but I really didn't want to go to work either. I managed to get my news story written as well as my speech. I walked to McDonalds and bought sunglass too. But that just killed my hematoma. I'm pretty sure it's starting to get into my leg too, it's been sore for the past couple of days.

I'm finding it hard to still move on from my past. It defines me. Everything I am is because of what happened to me. I still don't get why it was necessary for it to happen to me, or what good will come of it. It's ruined any shot of a relationship with women that I may have. No matter how much I may like them, something in the back of my head holds me back. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.

When I do the relationship fizzles in an awkward phase of handholding and flirting. When I don't listen, they can always tell a part of me is apprehensive, and then they don't trust me.

Any meaningful relationship I've had has followed one of these patterns. I just want to let go and be normal, and be with someone.

Slip 'n Slide

Today was physically demanding. I woke up after three hours of sleep and got ready to go to work. I worried all day about a speech that was due that I hadn't done yet. Work killed my leg. It's screaming in pain and i can't really do anything about it. The hematoma is also healing, but it's starting to move. This has caused my right thigh to be very sensative and somewhat inflammed.

I can't chase buses until this is healed. I always get to the stop in time to see mine pull off. In the middle of the day, that means that i wait there for the next 45 minutes. It took me two hours to get home today.

I have a news story due tomorrow, and I've been dicking around for the past few days. Now I'm in a rush to get it done. I need to get my priorities back in line. I'm already losing interest in school again and it's only summer two.

Good news though: This is the second day I've gone without the weepies (don't know what else to call them). Although, I'm not entire sure if it's just because I'm really tired right now. UPDATE: Turned out to be a lie. sorry.

The weekend in review

This weekend... well it sucked. I was told that dad was supposed to pick me up for our fourth of july thing at about noon that day. No one came to get me until 10. My phone was dead, and I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone at all to see when they would come. So I waited. All day.

On Saturday, I had to do most of the heavy lifting, regardless of the fact I have a giant hematoma sticking out the side of my leg, which means I shouldn't be doing heavy lifting. So after all that, it rains, and we don't get to see most of the fireworks.

Sunday rolls around and after much convincing, we go to the verizon store to see what's wrong with my phone. After the hour long drive down there, they tell me that they can't do anything, because mom and dad still haven't paid the bill. So now I'm still without the ability to call out or send/recieve text messages of any kind. I can only imagine what would happen if I miss the last bus or needed help.

7/2/09 (-)

I missed the bus twice today. I had to walk a million miles with this hematoma bothering me everytime my right foot stepped down. I've always had a limp, but this thing makes it worse. A friend told me he would drive me home after class, because he was their studying for his MCAT anyway. Like the last million and a half times, that fell through.

I also had a horrible tour. My phone is also dead because the charger cable won't work anymore. I'm done trying for the week.

6/29/09 (+)

What good happened today: Didn't have to pay for textbook. Got out of working on wednesday, due to the hematoma, went to speech, that class will be a blast. Ate supper with Joe. We went to some local burger place. Wild west burger was pretty good.

6/29/09 (-)

Well I thought I had a hernia, but the doctors think it's just a hematoma. So I'm carrying this giant bump in my groin that hurts like hell... fun. I was going to buy a speech book today but i forgot my checkbook at home. Good thing though, because Ryan had his book still.

I was bored on the bus and found a newspaper. I was reading the "Let it Out" section and glanced over at the horoscopes and figured why not. It was mostly the same bland stuff but the end got me thinking. "Relationships have seemed one sided lately. Do your part to even it out."

I got to thinking and it's entirely right. I've been taking a lot lately without giving. I hope to be able to change that soon.

All in all not too bad of a day.

6/27/09 (+)

What good happened today: I didn't miss the bus. I had a good tour. I got lunch with Joe (i know it sounds gay, but...) and I went to Ron's going away party. All though I would like to get drunk, they only had beer, so maybe next time.

Person I look up to: Tyler Schniedt. People make fun of him all of the time for having ideas and not acting on them. Half of the problem though, is that people often make enough fun of him and discourage him from asking help when he needs it. However, this doesn't stop Tyler from pitching ideas that he believes can help move phi psi forward. I need his courage.

6/27/09 (-)

I'm pretty sure I have an obturator hernia. I've felt a bump there the past several days. I had to run after the bus this morning and really aggrivated it. All in all today wasn't too bad, except joe got drunk (sexton did too), but joe became an ass after a while. After trying to get him to leave (and being unsuccessful) I left with Estrada. He's still there and he plans on going out again.

6/26/09 (+)

What good happened today: Not much happened really. I checked my grades for the first summer session and got a B+ and a C+. Not what I was aiming for, but I'll take it.

Person I look up to: Joe (again). I came to phi psi looking for characteristics I could look up to. I was excited to learn how the big/lil brother thing worked. The person I was paired up with wasn't the greatest in the world. He had pressured me into taking up drinking again, and usually talked me out of going to class. Joe stepped in and kind of took over that roll. I know I put a lot on him at times and I'm probably annoying, but Joe puts up with me anyway. I don't know the word for this characteristic, but if I'm going to help people escape the hell hole that is home, I'm going to need it.

6/26/09 (-)

Today I lacked interest in almost everything. I wanted to go out and eat lunch or do SOMETHING different with people but they just didn't seem to want to do anything. I haven't really gone out to do anything just for the sake of it being fun in a while. I think it may help cheer me up. I didn't get to go to lunch with the person I had made plans with either. Parents forgot me again. Big surprise. I wouldn't go home if I didn't have to.

6/25/09 (+)

What good happened today: Attended a networking event. Although this is in my negative comments too, I did get an e-mail from someone very interested in my degrees (Biology and Public Relations) so hopefully something can come of that. Ate at B-dubs with good friends and some awkward guy I didn't know. He thought threesomes with two guys was a good idea..>_>.

Person I look up to: Spencer Romstadt. Spencer seems to create more hours in a day. He's pre-med, does research, works at menard's, is the phi psi treasurer, attended a national event, and just keeps on going. I need his drive.

6/25/09 (-)

I didn't do much today. I woke up at about 6 a.m. and stayed in bed until about 1:30. I just didn't really feel like doing anything. I attempted to socialize at a networking event and really didn't do that too well... Maybe next time.

6/24/09 (+)

What good happened today: Summer I is over with. I get a four day break from both school and work. I can finally get some work done on PR stuff.

Person I look up to: It's a lot of people. Most people that I've surrounded myself with have a lot of strength. They see an obstacle and do whatever they need to to get around it or break it. Right now I'm staring down a pretty big roadblock and could use some of their strength.

Goal for the summer: Go workout and stop being fat. Fear is only an excuse.

6/24/09 (-)

There is something fundamentally wrong with me. Today was so hard, and it shouldn't have been. It took everything I had not to have a total meltdown, and I'm still on the virge of one right now. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It just comes.

6/23/09 (+)

What good happened today: I didn't have to ride the bus today. I went to my last psychology class. I gave a tour that had zero problems, and I'm pretty sure everyone of the kids plan on attending IUPUI. I'm almost done with my journalism final. I got to eat today. I'm going to see transformers 2 tonight, I can't wait.

Person I look up to: Nick Estrada. He seems strange to me sometimes, but the guy constantly has a full plate. He's already been a leader on campus and now he's being a leader in phi psi nationally. Through it all he manages to get pretty good grades and maintain great relationships. I want his energy.

Goal for next week: Start classes strong. You're not out of the water yet.

6/23/09 (-)

I've tried to keep my head up today. I've had disturbing dreams the past two nights and I just can't seem to get them out of my head. Yesterday I watched cars driving by. My heart was racing the whole time. I was playing the images of myself jumping out in front of them, over and over again. It really disturbed me.

I was also drunk a few nights ago, talking to Joe on AIM. Like usual I got really sappy, and I think I may have said some things out of line. Joe's been one of the people there through everything that I've just dumped on him and the last thing I want is to alienate him.

6/22/09 (+)

What good happened today: I got my paper on a good start. I ate lunch with Joe. I managed to get to class on time even though I missed the bus (it was a hell of a run). I have my last psychology class tomorrow.

Person I look up to: Alex Philip. Alex can be a little bit immature at times, but it's almost always welcome. He knows how to look at the better side of things and is quick to dismiss any negativity that may arise. I want his optimism.

Goal for the day: Communicate better.

6/22/2009 (-)

I know sometimes when I'm talking to people close to me, I don't make sense. I just get so excited to talk to those people that I want to tell them everything at once. It often leads to confusion and me backtracking, but I can't help it.

I've tackled with the thought that I may be suffering from depression lately. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know much about psychiatry, but I can't think of anything else that it could be. I've tried traditional therapy. It worked in the short term, but they tried to convince me that I was perfectly ok the way I am.

Their reasoning was that given the circumstance, I'm normal. I realize that not everyone could have come out of that situation the way I did, but I don't want to be normal in a set of circumstances. I want to be normal period, and I'm not there yet.

It's hard going around, trying to live a normal life when you are constantly terrified about how every person you see can hurt you. Even the ones close to you that you know won't. It's killed my ability to have relationships and is often why I stay alone.

I'm tired of being physically weak. I want to be able to have the strength I had before all of this happened. I'm scared of people in general, but I'm more afraid of the gym. It's an actual measurement of how much I've lost. On top of that, I have no idea what I'm doing, or how to use the equipment, so thats even more incentive for me not to go.

I'm also afraid of losing my support system. I know I rely on those people around me a lot, without really giving much in return. I know someday they'll have to walk at least part of the same path I did. I won't let them go alone, but I'd like to feel useful elsewhere in their lives.

6/21/09 (+)

What good happened today: Joe came back. I'm surprised at how much I missed him being around. Alex is having game night on the other side of the house. I finished blog three and only have to write my feature story for class. I also got to talk to Ronnie more.

Person I look up to: Joseph Listerman. Joe can walk into a room and all eyes will be on him. Not because he's loud, but because he has an intense amount of self-confidence. He's very comfortable with who he is. I'd like to say the same some day.

6/21/09 (-)

Today is father's day, and I haven't called mine yet. I feel guilty, but it's tough. It's not that he hated me, he just didn't seem to have ever liked me. He's not a horrible person, but he'd rather spend time with the kids he had connected with. I just wasn't one of them. He was often ignorant of what went on in the house. He didn't know what was going on, but then again he didn't want to.

6/20/09 (+)

What good happened today: Made breakfast, started my J100 blog, watched gladiator, talked to Ronnie. I got to sleep in today.

Person I look up to: Ronnie Roberts. Ronnie cares deeply about the needs of others. He rarely judges and is always there when needed. I want his reliability.

6/19/09 (+)

What good happened today: Dillon saved me from doing a second tour today. Brady came over and I beat him at several games. I also didn't have to wait long for buses. I coordinated the group tour today and registered for J-200

Person I can look up to: Ryan Sexton. He's overcome his problems. He sees what he wants and knows that he deserves it. I want his self-worth.

Goal: Do homework tomorrow.

6/18/09 (+)

What good happened today: Gave tour, clocked in/out the right way, worked on the phi psi presentation

Goal: Be the support that you always wanted to have.