One-tenth of the way there. 5 more weeks.

I've recently started a project of sorts, something to help me figure things out. It's based in Christianity, and although most people don't think of me when they first think of that word, it's something I'm giving a shot.

That and I've been wanting to be closer to faith than I have been. For some reason, my pride wouldn't let me. It seems like a dumb thought right now.

The book takes place over 40 days, which is symbolic to Christianity. Several transformations in the Bible took place over 40 days and the book aims to use this as a guide to a personal transformation. I've only completed the first four days, but I can already tell this is at least going to make some impact.

At the end, it ask a question to ponder. Here's what I've learned:

God has a purpose for my life. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but eventually it will become apparent. I need to remind myself that life is about living for God, not for me. I came to two conclusions, one more of a mental process with the other more of an application.

At first I couldn't figure out any. And then the simplest thing came to mind. God has chosen my purpose; it's not for me to decide. Also, I need to stop doing things based on whims and doing things to help further that purpose or discover it.

I am not an accident. Neither my birth nor my life so far has been entirely in vain, although I struggle to accept a large chunk of myself.

Mostly I struggle to accept the past. I have a hard time comprehending that everything that happened had some good purpose behind it. I know it has positives in the back of my head, but the overall fact that I still don't want to even acknowledge the past is holding the positives back. I also struggle to accept the fact that I'm "smaller" than I'm supposed to be. It may seem strange, but I stopped growing at the age of 16, when illness struck. If you look at the rest of my family, you'll see that I'm supposed to be bigger.

I'm also struggling to accept that I need more of a presence of God in my life. Like I said before, it's a pride thing that kept me from admitting that in the past, but I also need hope. Something to keep me going.

I realized my life lacked a sense of purpose. I would run around like a chicken with it's head cut-off and like many people could tell, I still felt like I had done nothing. Although I knew it in the back of my head, I discovered that my life so far has been driven by guilt. Guilt of what I had done and guilt of what was done to me. Still other people see different. They think the force that drives me is one of seeking something better, not necessarily materialistic, and attaining it. I'd like to believe a driving force in my life the aid and protection of others in their own quest to better themselves.

Finally I realized that I need to stop thinking of the here and now and think more about the part of life after death. I need to stop worrying about how I feel I've been wronged in the past and I need to start working towards building more meaningful relationships with people.