6/22/2009 (-)

I know sometimes when I'm talking to people close to me, I don't make sense. I just get so excited to talk to those people that I want to tell them everything at once. It often leads to confusion and me backtracking, but I can't help it.

I've tackled with the thought that I may be suffering from depression lately. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know much about psychiatry, but I can't think of anything else that it could be. I've tried traditional therapy. It worked in the short term, but they tried to convince me that I was perfectly ok the way I am.

Their reasoning was that given the circumstance, I'm normal. I realize that not everyone could have come out of that situation the way I did, but I don't want to be normal in a set of circumstances. I want to be normal period, and I'm not there yet.

It's hard going around, trying to live a normal life when you are constantly terrified about how every person you see can hurt you. Even the ones close to you that you know won't. It's killed my ability to have relationships and is often why I stay alone.

I'm tired of being physically weak. I want to be able to have the strength I had before all of this happened. I'm scared of people in general, but I'm more afraid of the gym. It's an actual measurement of how much I've lost. On top of that, I have no idea what I'm doing, or how to use the equipment, so thats even more incentive for me not to go.

I'm also afraid of losing my support system. I know I rely on those people around me a lot, without really giving much in return. I know someday they'll have to walk at least part of the same path I did. I won't let them go alone, but I'd like to feel useful elsewhere in their lives.